Ken at Dex Ranch

Kink Venues and the BDSM Community

In this episode Clay, Ronen, and Todd toured the Dex Ranch, a Kink venue outside of Eugene, Oregon. We had a chance to sit down with Ken, the owner and operator of the Ranch, to learn why he put it together, the challenges of operating such a place, and a whole lot about his experience and understanding of the joys and risks in BDSM.

Dex Ranch FetLife Group: https://fetlife.com/groups/150966

Dex Ranch 1 EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

This is The Subspace Exploration Project, a personal journey into Kink, non-monogamy, mental and emotional health, gender expression, and building community.

On this episode, we toured the Dex Ranch, a Kink venue outside of Eugene, Oregon.

We had a chance to sit down with Ken, the owner and operator of the ranch, to learn why he put it together, the challenges of operating such a place, and a whole lot about his experience and an understanding of the joys and risks in BDSM.

So let's head on out to Dex Ranch.

For me, I'm a fairly popular impact top.

So I end up with a lot of pickup play as it were.

But I have what I call my dance card, and I do.

Yeah.

And I'll get into details on that.

What happens for me is that a lot of people will contact me on a party coming up and go, hey, can we, you know, play?

And I'll go, yeah, sure.

And so I'll put people specifically on my card so that I know that these are the people I'm committed to working with.

And one of my kinks, or I guess not really kinks so much, is one of my aftercare requirements is that I like to contact people I talk to the next day.

I like to check on them, see how they're doing, see if they want to bitch about what I did wrong or whatever, which that doesn't happen very often.

But I want to give them a voice too to be able to have a discussion.

Because a lot of times, I think that after the case, they go, wow, he really shouldn't have done that, or I wish he'd done this more, or any number of things.

When you're in the moment and it's going, there's so much stuff that you're not capable of speaking.

It'll go through your mind, but it'll go through so fast, it won't turn into words.

And so, and I also get top drop from time to time, especially when I'm really busy.

And my next day will be like, nothing.

What's that feel like?

Is that just like what, like lack of creativity or something?

Lack of caring about anything.

I mean, it's almost like if I was sitting on my couch and the house started burning, I don't know if I would care.

I mean, maybe that's extreme.

It probably is, but I do know that it's just like, I wouldn't call it depression, but I would just call it as like, I just, and I already, I learned a couple of years ago that I don't plan anything for the Sunday after a party.

I plan to just be by myself and just not even think about, have anything on my list to do.

Well, you're giving a lot of your personal energy doing all this.

You do, but you know, I didn't realize it.

It never snapped to me that that's what was going on.

And then I experienced the, I remember it was about eight, nine months ago, I experienced my first real top drop.

And I probably had it before then, but that was the first time I actually recognized, oh my God, this is what it is.

And I don't know how similar it is to sub drop, but I bet you it's not too dissimilar.

So it was pretty interesting to me to experience that.

And then wake up, you know, you have that awakening of, oh my God.

Yeah.

That is tough.

You've emptied your cup, basically.

And so you're at your empty.

Yeah, another way to say this, I've given out all my spoons.

I have no spoons left.

Exactly.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you've been doing Dex Ranch for a really long time.

Yes, we opened this arena in 2018, May of 2018.

But we were, I was hosting parties before that for about, I guess about a year before that over in my main house.

But we got so popular and so busy that there was no room to have a party anymore.

It was just packed, crowded.

You know, we had two crosses upstairs and there were so many people, you couldn't, you certainly couldn't use a whip, a single tail, there's just no way to swing it.

Yeah.

And it was really difficult.

And everyone was like right on top of you.

So it's also hard to get into, really let go and get into subspace with all that.

Everyone's around.

And this, when I bought this property, this was a horse arena.

And these walls weren't up here.

It's just the wood that you can see is what we had.

And so we enclosed everything and built the loft and turned it, you know, took all the sand out of here and put down pavers and made the whole thing work.

Yeah.

Damn.

So that was a lot of work making this happen.

But obviously it was, but you know, to me it was worth it because it's just, and since we did it, it's changed a bunch.

Since the stations have moved around a bit, we've made a lot of, you know, upgrades and added other furniture and all of that.

So it's been, it's been fun.

It's, as I tell a lot of people, part of my kink is really hosting parties.

So I really enjoy, I enjoy having these big parties out here.

Having a good time, yeah.

Yeah.

So you were, how were you introduced to Kink?

How did that, how did you come into this?

Like, how did that start for you?

Well, I guess when I really decided that I wanted to explore alternatives to vanilla life, I was just recently divorced from my first wife.

And I, not actually, I take that back.

I'd been divorced from my first wife for a couple of years.

And I'd moved to Northern California.

I don't know if you know where Santa Rosa is.

So that area is actually Catawdi, but.

Which is just south of Santa Rosa a little bit.

Anyway, and so I was getting online and looking for mates.

And I came across alt.com.

Yeah, I know.

But at that time, that really was the easiest one to find.

So it was the one that was right out there in front.

And so I advertised as a dom, which was stupid, because I wasn't, but I knew that I was the dominant personality and kind of what I was looking for.

Why do you say you weren't a dom?

Because I had no experience.

I had no knowledge of what being a dom was.

I had a dominant personality, which is a long, that's a big stride away.

What does not a dom make?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And to me, that's a thing.

Yeah.

You know, I really have a problem on FET where you see these guys that are 18 years old and calling themselves a dom.

And what they have is three dick pics on their profile.

Yeah.

I'm like, you've just said you're not a dom.

Right?

Yeah.

At any rate, side track.

So, so I advertised that I was looking for a submissive woman, and I don't remember exactly what my wording was on it, blah, blah, blah.

But then a gal close to my age, I think she was like three or four years younger than me, responded because I had sent her things and I thought your profile was interesting, blah, blah, blah.

And but I had committed myself to I am not going to chase anybody.

I'll throw one out there if they respond wonderful.

If they don't, I don't that's fine.

Yeah, it's your option, but I'm not going to beg you to do anything.

So I don't think if Dom does that anyway, do they?

I wouldn't think so.

So anyway, I don't know, it was a couple of months later, I'd long since forgotten about her.

As a matter of fact, I had to when she did respond, I had to go back and look at her profile again to find out.

I had to look at what my message was and what I had said so that I had my head together.

And so yeah, we connected and we had a couple of really good scenes and had some fun.

And I was starting to learn a bit about what that really meant.

And we ended up getting married.

And we played and then she kind of lost interest in it.

And basically we were two people living in opposite ends of the house.

So we got divorced.

And when I got divorced back online, but I did that pretty quickly.

And I found FetLife.

And then it just took off from there.

Yeah.

So.

Awesome.

And Dex Ranch happened not so...

Well, I guess you were out here.

You started having your parties out here not so long after that.

Probably within a year.

Yeah.

The way that worked out was pretty simple.

We, as I said, I had...

And I actually started out in the community as a submissive.

And cross-dressed and stuff.

And explored some of that stuff, which was fun.

I don't regret doing it at all.

But I also realized I wasn't really having the kind of fun I wanted to have.

But I was going to some of the parties that were here in this community, in Eugene area and stuff.

And I realized that...

And this is probably true of everybody.

They're severely handicapped.

Most people that are hosting, or at least we're hosting back then, don't are renting a house.

They're not that big.

They can't really host that many people.

Parking is virtually impossible because it's street parking, which means, can you dress up?

Well, sort of.

But you're in public, so you got to allow for that.

It's tricky.

And I'm like, and I had this place the whole time.

And I'm like, you know, I could host.

People can come out here.

There's all the parking they need.

They don't have to worry about anything.

They can just come out dressed however they want to be dressed.

They can get out of their car naked.

It won't matter.

And so, you know, I was like, I should do that.

And so I started.

And at first I was like, yeah, but it's so far out from Eugene.

Nobody's going to want to come.

Everybody's going to be like, yeah, we're not going to do that.

That's, you know, but they started coming and it's got extremely popular really fast and it just took off.

I'm not surprised at all.

I mean, what a cool and like super necessary space for people to come together and do these kinds of things because there are not there.

Like there are plenty of like clubs, I guess you can go to, but they're smaller.

They have different rules.

You have to get there and maybe not these clothes.

You know, when you become a public venue like that, it's much more difficult because you do have very specific rules.

And many of those rules are based on, they don't want to say Christian, but that's not wrong.

But it's not that simple either.

Like morality.

Morality.

Yeah, morality.

And so, you know, they can't have people willy nilly doing things because of, you know, whatever.

And there's always someone that's going to complain.

But everybody that comes out here knows where they're coming out here.

So it works.

And there's nothing to complain about.

We're on 60 acres out here.

It's completely private.

So, I mean, we did have a neighbor that lived right over there, and she complained a lot.

And for as left leaning as she was, I was really surprised how much she hated us.

Yeah.

Really caught me by surprise.

But they sold.

And the couple that bought the place, I went over and introduced myself the day they were moving in.

They're a lovely couple, and they're older.

And I told them right away, you know, and all my neighbors know that I throw what I call adult-themed parties.

Yeah.

That's a fair description in the vanilla world.

And so, you know, they all know, some of them have come over from time to time, but for the most part, they don't.

And I don't get any complaints anymore at all.

This was the only gal that complained.

And yeah, I mean, she would send me emails the next day, just whatever.

I'm sure there's other people who more than appreciate the safe space to be themselves.

Oh, I know for a fact, a lot of people really tell me how much they appreciate me.

You know, thank you so much for having a space where I can come out and do my stuff and not worry about it.

Yeah.

You know, because they don't.

I mean, they can go out to their car when they're done and they go home and life's just fine.

Yeah.

But they've had that opportunity to explore and do whatever else they want to do.

So.

Therapeutic little.

It's a therapy session, to be honest.

I think in a big way it is.

It really is a way where you can get out of your head, let go of everything.

And maybe that's fire.

Maybe that's needles.

Maybe it's getting tied up and suspended.

Maybe it's having impact play.

There's different venues or avenues for anybody.

And just having a place where you can explore any of those avenues.

You know, my big thing is I don't want anyone to get hurt.

I mean, there's things.

It's risky.

You can get hurt.

You can do everything right and still get hurt.

And I think I would hope that Kinksters know that.

Yeah.

That's why they sign a waiver.

They know there's a risk involved no matter how we do it.

It's just like anything else.

You know, skydiving.

You can do everything right and still have problems.

Scuba diving, swimming, anything.

You can do everything right.

I mean, even driving down the road, you can do everything right and still something bad can happen.

So you can't erase bad things happening, but you can be risk aware, as they say, and manage what's according to your ability.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Thanks.

What are some of your challenges that you tend to come up?

I find it hard for me to wake up and breathe.

When we first started, I think one of the biggest challenges for me was trying to figure out rules and procedures and things that was going to be fair for everyone.

I didn't go into it with the try to make everyone happy, but I went into it with the attitude, I have to be fair for everyone.

And so, how do I make that fit?

How do I have suspension points, but within an envelope, if you will, way to make it fair for everyone, that everyone has their opportunity to use it if they want, that they can feel safe doing it, and so on.

And so, I think that was one of my biggest challenges, and continues to be, is how do I be fair for everyone?

I can't put someone's wishes over everyone else.

And that's the hard part.

So, how do they come about getting one of your spaces?

Do they just ask?

No, there's nothing to ask.

Just get in line.

If it's not used, go for it.

If it's being used and there's no one else there, just tell them you're next and that's fine.

We tried doing, because we were getting, where people were taking up a spot too long until we tried to deal with that.

And initially, I'd come up with the idea of doing, like, a scene time limit thing.

But that, I don't even think we ever actually put that in place because there was so much push back from the community and stuff.

Yeah.

And I get it.

I understand that.

And to be fair, on that cross where my toy chest is, if I get busy, I can pretty much end up dominating that thing all night.

Of course, I'm playing with different people, but...

It's you playing.

Yeah.

And so I guess I kind of can be unfair to everybody else if it's my spot.

If I don't have anything, I'll certainly tell people, because people have asked if they can use it, and I've left them, of course.

It's not like it's private use only.

My toys are, but the rest of it isn't.

And so, yeah, I think that's the biggest challenge is just trying to, you know, stay ahead of that.

And then, you know, when there's issues after a party, someone contacts me.

And so then I have to, you know, referee, I guess, would be a way to say it and figure out the whole story and then deal with that accordingly.

And sometimes I've given people a temporary ban for something that they've done.

And some people have been permanently banned for something that they don't seem to be able to not do.

And so and that happens.

And, you know, it's no fun to deal with that.

But I also feel it's important that I deal with it directly and firmly and clearly from the beginning.

And I think that's one of the things the community appreciates about me is they know that I'll be fair, but they also know that I'll be direct and clear about it.

Yeah.

That I don't just arbitrarily throw something out there.

So I think that's part of what makes people safe and want to keep coming back here is having that, having that security that you can offer.

Right.

Yeah.

And we have enough people that really want to protect this area and this community.

So we have a lot of advocates here, too.

They see someone getting out of hand.

They'll either deal with it right then and there on their own, or they'll let me know, or they'll let someone at the front know.

And we'll deal with it pretty quickly.

We haven't had too much like, we've had some drunk people that we've had to ask to leave.

I don't want to ban alcohol.

I think some people really like to do that.

And that's fine, but you also still have to be an adult.

Yeah.

And you still do have a long drive home.

So you need to be aware.

Don't get sloshed.

Well, not if you're going to drive.

I mean, if you got someone else driving for you, well, then okay, get sloshed, but don't misbehave here.

So nobody likes an obnoxious drunk.

So, yeah.

And I've found that people will self-govern.

They understand the guidelines they're working within, and if you give them an opportunity, they'll self-govern.

Don't be a themselves.

I think it may even be easier in an environment like this, rather than a club or a bar to self-govern, because at those other establishments, you feel like you have to go to the management and let them handle it.

Otherwise, you're going to get in trouble or something.

You'll be the one getting tossed.

Right.

You don't want to make a fuss, so you don't fucking bother.

You just leave and let someone else deal with it.

And that's no good.

Then you didn't have a good night.

Then you didn't have fun.

And probably someone else didn't have a good night either.

Yeah.

So take an opportunity to check in with people and be like, hey man, do you want to come drink some water?

Or something to that effect.

Or something to that effect.

Yeah.

Let's go out by the fire pit for a minute.

Have a talk.

Yeah.

We have a lot of that.

I find that really the community, more so than me, I think, takes care of this place.

That's lovely.

Bunch of beautiful people.

Yeah.

Those new to the community and those concerned about reputation and safety, what is your advice for how to approach going to a new venue and concerns about the public aspect and safety and consent, how to navigate fears and the inherent risks about going to a public space and interacting with people that you don't necessarily know.

Or don't know at all.

Yeah.

I'll tell you how I, when I first started going to parties, I went to probably three parties at three different places, and I don't think I spoke to anyone.

I just, because of things I'd read, I was so afraid that I was going to make one little misstep and be banned from the community forever, ever, because I, out of ignorance or whatever, did something wrong.

And so I was so afraid of doing anything wrong, I wouldn't do anything.

And I kind of asked, finally asked myself, well, what are you doing going?

If you're just going to sit back there, I mean, what do you like, just want to watch?

Is that what you want to do?

And so I just said, you know what, I'm going to talk to someone and start a conversation.

It doesn't even have to be anyone I necessarily want to play with or build a relationship with or anything.

Just, I'm going to talk to somebody.

And so I sort of did that.

And then one of my girlfriends, when we had this place open, had made me a rule or a pact with me that we would each make a full trip around and we couldn't make the trip around without talking to at least three people.

And I found that it became easier and easier and easier.

And I think that new people, especially introverts, really need, and I know that's easier said than done.

I know how it is to be an introvert and how you just really don't want to talk to people because they scare you.

People are scary.

They 100% are.

Especially in the kink environment.

Oh my God, that person knows so much about impact.

I can't talk to him.

He'll hit me or whatever.

If you ask nicely.

Yeah, if you ask nicely.

But you don't really understand it.

But it's very scary.

And so, yeah, I think if you can just maybe say, okay, I'm going to make one trip around and I'm going to say hi to one person.

You know, just start slow.

Don't feel like you have to become the life of the party on your first one.

Okay, to dip your toe in the water.

And I found in this environment, it's really easy to have a conversation with one person, you know.

And no one, I don't know of anyone that's been rude or like, fuck you, don't talk to me.

Yeah, yeah.

So I think everyone's pretty welcoming.

And there's a lot of members.

And if you go to a munch ahead of time, and you can sit down at a meal and talk to some, or at least meet some people, I think you'll find that that helps too, because then it's like you can see them at the party, because there's a group that does a pre-munch, or a pre-party munch, I should say, pretty much before every party.

But it's really, unfortunately, it really is up to the individual to do something.

I mean, there's not a lot of people that I know of go to parties and go, okay, anybody new I'm going to talk to today?

That's a lot to ask of somebody.

I've done that a few times.

Really?

Mostly it's because I'm observing someone who's not involving themselves, and I'm like, all right, what do you have to say?

I'm going to break the ice for you.

Nice.

And then I'm just like, now you're in it, and now you can, it's over.

That's a good way to do that.

But not necessarily going to every party like that.

Right.

I get it.

Yeah.

Well, and I've done that.

I've seen people kind of by themselves or whatever, and if I've had time, I've gone over and talked to them.

And so, yeah, I think that that's the hard part.

And if you can get past that, everything else will take care of itself.

As far as like giving along the community, really, if you follow my number one rule here, don't be a dick, you'll be fine.

The rest of it will take care of itself.

But if you can come and not be a dick, I think you'll be fine.

I've always been a pervert, but I'm new to getting into the community and getting to know the community.

I do notice some distinct differences between generations, but I'm not necessarily able to put my finger on why there are these differences yet.

So I'm just like...

I think...

I don't think it's old and young.

I think it's new and experienced.

I think that even younger people that I've seen that are like in their early 30s and have been doing it for a good 10, 15 years and have a lot of experience, have their ways of doing things, and the young people that come in that are just learning, pick up things either off the internet, which may or may not be accurate.

I would say find multiple sources that agree with the same thing before you go etching anything into stone.

And that includes if you go to a workshop.

At any rate, all of that plays to it, but I really don't think it's an age thing.

I really think it's people with experience versus people without experience.

Because as you learn more, I think you start to come to the middle ground.

There's definitely people that are, true kink, this is how you have to do it.

You only get to wear leather if this has happened in your...

That's all bullshit.

That's 100% bullshit.

I mean, if that's how you want to do it, good for you, have a great time over there.

But that's not how I'm going to do it.

And you're allowed to do things differently.

There's no rules, this is kink.

This is non-vanilla, there's no rules.

But there's consent, and there's negotiation, and there's all of that.

Those are things, and I was just told someone this the other day, there's no absolutes.

But there are things that you have to have some form of.

You have to have a real negotiation before you enter into a scene with anybody.

And by a real negotiation, I mean that you both have a voice, you both talk about what you're looking for, you both talk about what you want, what your limits may be, and how you want things to go, and what your expectations may or may not be.

And then someone else says, yeah, I can do that, but I also want to do this.

Well, then you have to decide, again, you have to adult, am I okay with that, or is that like, no, that's a hard no for me, I am not going to participate.

Well, okay, fine.

You had a discussion, you know you guys are not on the same page.

Not necessarily red flags, not necessarily run away, but it's like, no, we have a different idea of what our play is going to look like.

Your kink is not my kink, so we move on to someone else.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Nothing wrong with that.

But definitely, if you're to negotiate with somebody, and they're not going to participate in things that you feel you absolutely have to have, well then, duh.

You know, that would be like going to a car dealership and going, I am not going to buy a yellow car and driving home in a yellow car.

Why would you do that?

Well, then you didn't want it.

You know, I'm just saying.

It's the same thing.

When you negotiate, it's not really you're looking for red flags.

I think too many people use this whole red flag idea too much.

I think there are some hard red flags for sure.

But those to me would be more of a, you don't get to say, no, we're negotiating here.

I'm going to tell you how it's going to go.

Well, that's a red flag.

Dude, if you find anybody wants to play with you like that, let me know.

Yeah.

Because that's crazy.

Stopping people's red lights and their yellow lights.

Yeah.

I mean, that's just not acceptable ever.

You don't do that.

But I don't know of anybody that really does that.

Certainly people that have had that problem in the past aren't allowed to hear.

And that's why I let people vet themselves.

I don't vet people.

People I get contacted all the time.

Well, how do I get invited?

Show up.

You're invited.

And if you come here and you act like a dick or you, you know, continually violate negotiations and stuff, you're not coming back.

Yeah.

That's it.

You're done.

That's, you know, you got to, you got to be respectful.

So, and you know, part of the negotiation is what is your aftercare?

What do you need?

And it's okay for a top to say, yeah, I can't do that.

Can you bring someone with you that can do that for you?

You know, the top doesn't necessarily have to supply aftercare, but they have to be clear that they can't do it.

They can't act like they would do it.

And then when it's over, not that doesn't work, because then you promise something that you have no intention of delivering.

So again, we're back to adult.

And I think that's really what the root of everything is.

If you want to get into the community, think about being an adult.

It's plain a little if that's what you want to do, that's fine.

But you still at the end of the day have to be an adult.

You're of age and you're responsible for yourself.

So that's really, to me, that's how that works.

And I think in this community, what people come here, we have the whole age range.

We have people here who have been in the Kink community since, there's one guy here, I think he's been here since it was invented, practically.

Not really, but I mean, he's, I think, I don't know, I don't know if he ever played down in San Francisco or not, but I think, I know he's from Portland.

And he knows everything.

And he's a great guy.

He's a solid piece of information.

And I've had him do a workshop here, and he's offered to do more, and I really need to get him to do some more.

He really does know his stuff.

And he's well versed in pretty much all of the, at least the basic ideas of those.

But he really, because he's an older guy, and he really knows, he likes to talk.

And one of his partners that he plays with, who I love, she's a wonderful person, I've played with her multiple times, and she's so much fun on so many levels.

She goes, yeah, he's wonderful, he knows stuff, but sometimes you just got to sit on his face.

But yeah, he's, and we have a number of people that are really, you know, I wouldn't call them old guard, but they know, they know their subject.

And newer people should be willing to listen to that.

And then form your own way of dealing with that kink, whatever it is.

You know, maybe you're interested in that, but you don't want to do it quite like that.

I would like to do one before every party, but we don't.

We pretty much have a workshop before the first Saturday of the month.

Almost always.

And then I want to get more out here.

And I don't know, you guys, I don't know if you follow Dex Ranch on That Life or not, but we're, because I put stuff, oh you do.

So you know about, I put the stuff out about vendors.

I haven't been on there in a few days.

Oh, so you don't.

Yeah.

More and more people are contacting me about selling their stuff out here.

Okay.

And I've let some people do that.

And so I put out that, you know, what if I wanted to start letting vendors come out here and do that?

And I just wanted to get the community's opinion.

I really will put big decisions out for the community.

I don't let them make the choice because it's not their choice to make.

But I want their opinions and their thoughts.

And I get, you know, opinions from young people and opinions from older people that have been around a long time and vendors that have sold and stuff.

And so, you know, then I can put together something that, again, is fair for everybody.

I want the vendors.

I want local small business vendors.

I don't want castle mega stores.

I don't need Ruth's Love or whatever the heck they call it.

So I don't need that.

You know, what's the point of that?

But to get some local people that, especially their local crafty people, I would love to have them be able to come out here and get their stuff on the front street like that.

Yeah, absolutely.

So, yeah, that's basically the next thing on the line that we're looking at.

Any other questions?

No, I think that's it.

Thank you for...

Oh, you're welcome.

.

showing us around and talking to us.

Happy to.

I can't wait for your next party to happen.

That was Ken at Dex Ranch.

Before we committed to interviewing Ken, we talked with people in the community, and some of them had negative opinions because of clear consent violations that had occurred at Dex Ranch in years past.

In our last episode, we discussed making the consent issues more of a focus of the interview.

Of course, when we got out there, I had a hard time making that more of a focus of the interview because I felt like we didn't really have as much of a foundation as we thought we did.

We didn't have specifics about the incidents that our friends and people online are referring to.

But we are planning on going out and talking to him.

Soon, to address specifically that.

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