Dinner w/ Clay & Todd

a Quarterly Dynamic Review

In this week’s episode Todd and Clay talk openly about their dynamic, their communication standards, and the BDSM 101 Project. In our quarterly dynamic review, Clay and I nerd out about age gap dynamics, neurodivergence, and the role gender expression and community play in how we perceive and maintain our connection.

Dinner w/ Clay & Todd – a Quarterly Dynamic Review Episode Transcript

This is The Subspace Exploration Project.

Join us for a deep dive into kink, non-monogamy, mental and emotional health, gender expression, and community building.

In each episode, we're deconstructing the gender binary, celebrating queer culture, and creating a safe space for sex education, all while learning from authors, educators, mental health professionals, and folks like you and me.

In this week's episode, Todd and Clay talk openly about their dynamic, their communication standards and the BDSM 101 Project.

In our quarterly dynamic review, Clay and I nerd out about age gap relationships, neurodivergence, and the role gender expression and community play in how we perceive and maintain our connection.

This is the dynamic quarterly review.

It's a nerdy little thing that I decided we should do, because you and I are in the dynamic.

And...

That's the kind of organization and communication that you like to do.

It's very procedural.

Yeah, yeah.

And I feel like what we're doing is...

From the beginning, there are some questions about whether or not it was ethical to be involved with somebody as young as you are.

And feel like...

Someone as old as you are.

And...

Yeah.

And I figured, I need to put in place something that we check in, and we discuss it plenty more than once a quarter, but to make sure we set aside time to look at everything, make sure things are...

Feeling good.

Working the way we want them to.

What needs more attention?

Yeah, and things evolve.

We also fill out...

Anytime we go and play, or anytime I go and play with a new one, I these days have them fill out a checklist, a pretty comprehensive one.

And when you're in a dynamic with somebody, and you're exploring as much as we do, those things change.

You know, maybes become yeses or nos.

Things evolve.

And we check in about all of these different things, from concerns, new turn-ons, things we're maybe not okay with anymore, or whatever.

And yeah, I think it's important.

And it's kind of fun.

And since we haven't addressed it on the podcast, we don't even know if we're going to post this.

But we're recording it for posterity.

For future generations to come.

Thank you.

So, yeah, this time around, because we're only six months into this dynamic.

This time around, I actually made a list of the things that we should talk about, what are the categories, and make sure we cover as much as we can, even if it's just briefly.

Mechanics, power exchange, protocol, rituals, schedule, the connection itself, and the podcast, because something like the podcast can complicate things.

At first, I was like, yeah, let's talk about it.

And then I'm like, wait.

Well, you were like, I don't know if I want to be public about this at the moment.

And that's perfectly valid.

I just wanted to...

I got excited about it because I wanted to be fully above board and make sure that I wasn't...

Didn't seem any kind of sneaky, weird behavior.

That doesn't always look...

Doesn't look good from the outside.

I didn't really want to talk about it very directly on the podcast yet.

I also have a big want to gush and talk about it, but I just wasn't ready to be that honest about it with the person that I was doing that with on the internet just yet.

I feel more and more better about it, and in confidence that what we're doing is entirely safe.

Okay, well, I guess we can't say entirely safe, but entirely safe in the consensual boundary, respectful way.

Yeah, and not necessarily like...

Because, you know, we play with knives and sharps and stuff, and that's not necessarily...

Literally not safe.

Yeah.

And it's complicated.

All of what occurs is complicated, because it's not just we get together for play, it's a dynamic, and there are numerous factors, and there's plenty to be excited about.

But also, it's new.

You know, six months isn't a super long time.

So, what it is and how one wants to represent it to the world.

It takes a little while to figure that out, and it can change.

But anyway, let's actually get to it.

The mechanics of it?

Like last time, like I was actually, we were talking in our chat earlier with Ever, you know, like I'm new to heavier impact kind of stuff.

And last time you brought up like my pacing, like I'm not doing so great at warming up, and I still feel like I don't do awesome at it sometimes, because like if it's just you and me, like say I come and bring you coffee in the morning, and then I beat on you, like I feel like I do a better job focusing on the pacing of it, of impact.

Well, one, because I don't have a big contrived scene, three-hour scene.

There's not a bunch of shit that you're trying to remember in the grand scheme of fuckery that you intend to...

Yeah, but also I've started to really gotten into punching and like using my hands to connect and to be able...

That allows me to read what the pacing responses are, what the pacing needs to be.

It helps you not split open your hands.

But that's actually...

No, it started yesterday.

Yeah, I do...

When I do spank, even with gloves on, sometimes it'll bust my hands open.

Open palms, dangerous for the smacker's hand.

Yeah, yeah.

Even with gloves.

So that's why I started closing my fists, which I was reluctant to do, but I found that it's very intimate and...

We both were enjoying it.

I kind of love it.

What other mechanics?

I don't really know.

The mechanics of our play?

Of play, mostly.

Are there any things that stand out, like something you're enjoying, or something that we need to work on?

I do have the fact that we have a pretty reliable...

We play on a certain day.

That's when we usually play on our more in-depth scenes.

And of course, we see each other a lot for podcast reasons.

Simply because in our dynamic, sometimes I need to see you.

I just need to see you even outside of a scene or a podcast stuff, because you're that kind of support sometimes.

And I can be meaty.

Which is perfectly alright.

And we've also started a ritual recently.

Oh, the coffee ritual?

Yeah.

Our coffee ritual, when you bring me coffee, and that you've cum-ed in.

Yeah, cum coffee.

Mix it up, and it's just like a little sweet treat for me, because it tastes great.

And I get caffeine, and you get to watch me drink your cum, a cup of coffee.

And we're going to experiment with this.

The flavor profile.

But so far, it doesn't really, you can't really tell very much.

No.

It feels very well that there's cum in it.

But of course, I, just part of what I'm doing on my end, I pick up coffee and then I come in it.

And then I run it through a blender.

To break up the string of gum.

Well, I mean, it like it makes it taste good.

It makes it taste better because it's more blended throughout the coffee.

So the whole cup is an enjoyable experience.

Besides, and not even besides, but other than this earthiness in the background that you just came for, put your finger on.

But yeah, I mean, it tastes better.

Like, yeah, I'll drink your gum whenever it's in, but it's enjoyable.

It's tastier that way.

And there's something hot about it.

It's not necessarily detectable.

Because how many times could you come in one of the drinks that you give me?

And well, I always know that there's gum in my drink, which I'd probably be fine with that if, you know, you just chose whatever time you wanted to put gum in a drink that you're giving me.

Whether you told me or not, I wouldn't have a strong opinion about.

In fact, I would find it kind of fun to be like, What's in this?

What do you do to it?

That would be fun.

I remember a lot of side tangent, but I remember younger being a kid, there was a time that my cousin's boyfriend was, we were just at like a Christmas party or something, and there were so many snacks to be had, and we were decorating gingerbread houses.

So there was plenty of candy, old and new.

And so he would take a piece of broccoli, wrap it in a piece of ham, take a fruit roll up and wrap it all up with that, and then dip it in something and be like, okay, I eat this.

And I would, because it made him giggle.

And that has very much translated to what I get into today.

Yeah, I'll do something fucking gross, because it makes you laugh, because you're like, damn, you really just did all that.

You just did it because it would please me, huh?

Yes.

Yes.

Shout out my cousin's boyfriend.

He sucked towards the end.

But I like that.

We don't do it every day.

Because, well, like I...

It's a lot.

Yeah, I mean, it's a lot.

It's a whole fucking thing.

Yeah.

And, I mean, we live separately.

We're not...

It's like not a romantic thing.

I mean, I feel like we've gotten close, but it's like appropriately close.

But yeah, I mean, we don't need to be spending every day together.

You know, we've had separate lives.

As much as we're doing the dynamic and the podcast, and the BDSM 101 Project.

But we have a lot of creative endeavors together.

But it's like it's because those things are authentically things that we're interested in doing.

It doesn't feel like it, like, thins us out of like, I have to do all these things and I'm constantly getting...

Well, I want to do them.

So I'm excited to do them.

Yeah, I think the only thing that like can sometimes stress me out about the coffee in the morning is like, my roommates like a heads up of like, okay, are you having someone over?

Are they coming upstairs into your room?

Those are two different warnings for them.

They would be like less annoyed if someone just like stepped in for a second, and then left.

But if they were around for a little while, and came upstairs like into our living spaces, that crosses more boundaries for them.

And they need more of a warning for that.

And I think sometimes they're like, I wish you didn't have someone here every other day.

But I also, I don't know, I trust for them to like tell me when things are getting unrealistically bothersome for them.

And they're different, you know, they're different people than me and one of my other roommates that I live with, who are kinky people.

And like, I don't super mind when folks have someone over to fuck or play with or see.

As long as that doesn't mean I have to have a fucking conversation with you.

Yeah, I mean, I mean, most of your roommates know me well enough.

I'm not a stranger to them.

You've got a man hater, man hating lesbian who's like, yeah, you're OK.

Doesn't want to see you more than she has to.

She's OK with you.

But so, I mean, I'm wondering, is this do you think it's actually intrusive?

Or is this a matter of you should advocate for yourself and yours?

I need to drink come in my coffee every morning.

Okay, I need this, you guys.

Yeah.

Well, and something that I proposed a while ago.

Was it a beating awakenings?

Yeah.

That's kind of this is kind of a version of that unintentionally.

I mean, because you actually brought up the being forced to drink my come thing to help you navigate, manage your ADHD.

And one of the ideas I had had was to do the morning beatings.

To test, see if that helps keep you a little bit more on track during those times where...

Because the pendulum is swinging.

Like one time, I'll be on top of things generally, and then it starts to slip, and it swings the other way for a while, and then it starts to get better, and it comes back.

And that's kind of how it's always been for me, and I always beat myself up over when the pendulum is swinging the other way, not in my favor.

And I'm like, I shouldn't have these times.

And I'm like, well...

But they happen.

I think they just happen sometimes.

Like, it would be best to minimize them, do what I can, but I shouldn't expect them not to be there.

It's gonna happen.

Exactly.

And when I brought that idea up before, the roommates were like, I don't know.

Someone in our house, when we're also waking up, that we could maybe hear someone being beat as we are waking up, didn't make them feel great.

Yeah.

But then you brought up the idea, what if you forced me to drink your cum?

I'm like, I love it.

Nobody has to be a part of it.

No one's a part of it.

And sometimes I just stop by, and you know, for five minutes, five, ten minutes, and watch you drink it, and check in, see how you're doing.

Other times, if I come in, if I show up earlier in the day, it's an opportunity to beat you a little bit, check in a little bit more, and give you morning warm up.

Yeah.

And I don't know yet.

We haven't been doing it long enough to really be able to tell how much you're benefiting from that, or if you are...

Cum coffee?

Well, no, the beatings.

The more frequent beatings.

Yeah.

Warming up.

I have been liking it, that's for sure.

Mm-hmm.

There have been some weeks where, on my days off, I will have seen you on all of the days, on both of the days, and for a good portion of the day.

And there are some times where I'm like, I wish I had more time to just simply make a different plan for my evening, or have something else going on.

But like, I don't know.

Well, and also your work kind of jacked up your schedule there for a while, and it still kind of is.

But you know who you are if you're watching this.

If you're watching this, why are you watching?

I mean, yeah, you had limited days.

When you and I first met, you had three days off per week, which was enough to do podcast stuff, do us stuff, and do whatever the fuck I wanted on the third day, or on whichever day.

Yeah, you definitely need your downtime, you're socializing with other people time.

And yeah, when you only have two days off a week, I don't like to take up all of your time.

I do like having a chance to say, on a work day, have a little bit of our extra time to the coffee thing.

That way, I don't necessarily have to take up as much time on your weekends.

Because I know that you need balance.

You have a ratio.

We actually started to get a good sense of how much work, bullshit versus you just decompressing versus dynamic time versus social time or playing with others' time.

Because we're both poly, and this isn't all of our play or involvement with other people.

And so keeping that in mind, even though ours is a pretty involved dynamic, and we've got the podcast stuff, I try to give you as much time to yourself as possible, knowing that if the pet isn't happy, doesn't have a balanced life, then it negatively impacts our play.

The play that we want to engage in.

Yeah.

It's actually been really fucking cool to have, to hear your observations about my ratios and what I need and what happens when I'm not getting what I need.

Because like I've had people point out patterns about myself before, but I haven't found them useful.

It'll be a pattern like, you do this, but they have no other information about when, or perhaps why.

So it's useful to hear your observations, and then, oh, maybe, and not necessarily be like, oh, you're correct, I believe you, but to see if that really does check out with how I feel about things.

Sometimes I'll tell you, yes, and also more so this, or you'll be pretty smack dab, and it has not ever been something that has crossed my mind before.

Like, oh, wow.

So, yeah, I think that's really cool.

I mean, I don't know how often it happens in other people's relationships or dynamics, but I know in the past, usually when I tell someone something like that, they take offense to it, but in the context of this dynamic, it's my job to observe and give you information on what I observe.

And it's appreciated.

Like, sometimes I'm wrong, but, you know.

It's appreciated and also kind of a turn on.

I hate the idea of somebody observing me that much, but I also secretly really like it.

And this is the container in which I'm consenting to it.

Yeah.

When I think of a lot of times, well, when they are giving input, like you do this, when you do this, this happens.

I think it's more often than not.

It's at least delivered in a critical way.

They're like, I'm not getting this because you're doing this.

Or like, I don't know, somebody will take the therapist route and try to say things that nudge you into a conclusion.

And I hate that.

I hate that.

And I think I hate that because I am guilty of doing that.

I do that to people and it feels manipulative somehow.

I don't necessarily think therapists are manipulative, but I think sometimes they have an idea and then they're like, this is what I think, but I don't want to tell you what I think about you.

And maybe if they just come to the conclusion about it themselves, I can't.

I can be self-aware in many ways, but my mind will swim and swim and swim around it without ever getting to it.

Yeah, don't nudge me to a conclusion.

It makes me feel stupid.

And I did that one time to my partner, where my end goal was to suggest something or to tell her about something that I didn't like.

And I started it off with some questions that would lead up to, so why don't we do this instead?

And she was like, you know, I can tell in your tone, and by the way, like your word choice and how you're going about this, that there's something at the end of it waiting.

There's like a shoe going to drop in some kind of way.

I can tell when it puts me off guard immediately when you do that.

And I didn't realize that that was something that I was doing.

And yeah, I was kind of manipulative.

And like, I am saying the right things to get you to come to the same conclusion I've come to that I want you to come to.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know, which is not something that you do.

How did that resolve them?

Did they, were they upset or?

Was she upset?

That I had made her feel that I had gone about it that way?

Yeah, she was upset about it.

She was like, it like kind of triggers me, it puts me in a defensive state, and it makes me feel like I've done something wrong.

And I'm also no longer thinking about the, like I'm no longer having a collaborative conversation.

I am now in a head space where I'm getting yelled at.

Even though no one's raising your voice or like mad at you, it feels like getting yelled at.

Yeah.

Told off, scolded, talked down to, and I didn't realize that that was how it made her feel.

And at the same time, I was like, I don't know a better way of going about this.

So I just assumed like that was just how you did it.

And I think some people would appreciate, I mean, if they know you and they trust you, you know, they're like, just be gentle and nudge me in this direction.

And therapists, they do do that.

They're supposed to do that, guide you in the direction, rather than give you answers.

And because it doesn't land when they just feed you answers, they would need you to come to those conclusions.

The communication style that you and I have, it's very clear cut, like direct communication, no beating around the bush.

And like, I absolutely need that.

The other night, I took an edible, which I don't normally do.

And I get in my head, my filter, one my filter doesn't filter things correctly.

I'll say things before I completely come up with how I want to say it.

And I get in my head about shit.

And so you were doing, you were hanging out with friends or something.

I was unavailable, basically.

And I was, I sent you a snap.

And then I was like, sitting on it.

I'm like, I didn't like the way I said that.

That sounded manipulative.

Like, because I was complaining about because I had spoken openly about our dynamic in a conversation with Danny at Sabre Smith.

But you wanted to edit and film for the podcast.

Yeah.

And like I jumped in, I'd gone about editing it, and I'm like, oh, shit, there's way more talk about our dynamic in this, which we weren't wanting to release that information yet.

Way more talk about it in this than I thought.

And so I had messaged you complaining like, oh, my God, I have to go back and edit this.

And but the way I said it, it sounded like I was trying to pressure you into being OK with me.

Just, you know, going through with it.

Yeah.

Like you were complaining, this is so hard that I have to edit this out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why can't we just talk freely about it?

And it made me feel gross.

And like, at first, I sent you another Snap and you know how Snapchat does it.

It'll send you like, if you talk for a minute and a half, it's like fucking 20 clips, you know.

And so I had to go.

I first I apologized.

I'm like, sorry, I didn't mean to sound manipulative or passive aggressive.

And then I'm like, you know what?

That's not good enough.

I just need to start over.

I mean, I'm stoned.

And so I go through and I had to delete this fucking 30 clips.

And then you're like, what the hell is going on?

What are you fucking doing?

Like, I was getting so many.

I like became available because I was like, what's happening?

There were a lot of Snapchats here.

Now there's not.

What's going on, man?

And I'm like, I'm sorry.

I was stoned.

And you know that I don't get stoned very often.

I'm like, I was bugging me and I had to fucking delete it because I'd prefer to just start over again than rather to have this potentially passive aggressive or manipulative tone to what I was trying to convey.

So I'd rather look like a dick for sending a bunch of shit and then deleting it.

Because I just don't like that tongue.

I don't like that at all.

And I like everything to be aboveboard.

And I think it's crucial in, because the stakes are so much higher in a kink dynamic.

Like you're playing with somebody's head.

Like I get in your head, and you get in mine plenty too.

And we're dabbling in shit that's physically and emotionally dangerous.

And not to mention, there's a power differential here because of our age difference.

And it needs to be clean and clear and no fuckery involved, you know?

And yeah.

So I don't like passive-aggressive shit, and I don't like Kingston because sometimes if I second-guess myself, I'm like, that sounds fucking passive-aggressive because I used to behave kind of like that in the past, and I don't like that about...

I don't like it at all.

I don't find it forgivable.

I mean, people are people.

They can communicate however they need to, but it's sick to me.

I don't like contributing to that.

And I don't like it in my connections, my communication.

Protocol or more power exchange?

Yeah, that was an either-or question.

Mm-hmm.

Protocol.

I guess protocol on, well, power exchange.

Let's go ahead and just touch on that.

I guess some...

Like, we've...

started to dabble in, like, co-topping, giving you a chance to dabble in...

being a top, explore that dominant, sadistic side of you.

And I think that's...

It's brilliant to watch you explore that.

Just dig in, enjoy that.

I'm happy to be a part of that, to witness that.

It's so cool to have someone who's so excited to watch and witness that and encourage it.

That's kink family, you know?

The people who are encouraging you and are like, I'm so proud of you, and wow, bud, what a milestone, type of...

I don't know, because when I do these things, I'm like, who do I have cheering me on at the sidelines?

Or who do I have to gush about it afterwards?

Who's super excited to hear about it, and has questions, and wants to know all the details?

Because I want to give that information, but there are many loved ones in my life in my closest circles who either don't want to hear all of the information, or who hear it out of love for me, and understanding that I need to talk about it sometimes.

But they're not excited about it.

They're like, wow, great!

I'm happy for you.

Seems like you're very happy about this.

Yes, am I reading that correct?

Getting a chance, like with the podcast and this BDSM 101 Project, we're going to have an opportunity to collaborate with people on developing educational content, some of which is very explicit, kink and sexual stuff, and giving you an opportunity to be usually a bottom, a demo bottom.

Because I love that.

And it's part of my, it's one of my kinks, like sharing my partners, like group stuff, like it fills that cup.

And it's community-like.

Because the reason why I haven't had a ton of group experiences is because it's hard to vet people.

It's hard to find people that are worthy of what I want to be there sharing.

And this is we're making connections with some amazing people that are not just devious, but this is a deep exploration of self and connection with others.

And our values are very much aligned in our ideas.

Our ideas around how these relationships need to work, and the importance of community, and for people to be on the same page about their plays.

They're not fucking around with that.

That's the kind of community that you want when you're doing that kind of play.

It's not simply like whoever replied yes to the Craigslist ad.

Yeah, exactly.

Like if you want to bake a cake of an awful time, go for it.

That's the recipe.

But no, successful, fun group play is you have to collect and vet, and it takes time and a lot of energy to trust people and for them to trust you as well.

And so we're creating, we're not just getting to do amazing, getting to have amazing scenes with cool people, but we are, it's all under the pretext of creating educational content, focusing on specific things that we're trying to build, develop educational materials for, that we can distribute for free to battle all the incomplete or incorrect information there is out there about sexual wellness, personal wellness, BDSM, kink.

And yeah, to be able to have such an amazing time.

To share, like to talk about and share how we are structuring things successfully for us.

It's not always going to be successful for other people, but there is a basic framework that is relatively universal in the kink community that works.

Yeah.

And you shape it and...

Tailor it.

Yeah, tailor it to your needs and desires.

And unfortunately, there isn't...

I mean, you'll find books that you have to pay for, or maybe an interview or two, if you follow Dom or Sub.

You have to really be led from one person to the next of what they said about this and who said this, to find a complete framework.

Yeah.

Because it's not everything in one place.

It's spread out.

Yeah.

And so, yeah, it's really hard to get a lot of this information, to know where to start.

Sometimes you just have to jump right in.

So a lot of people are just jumping right in, and they're winging it, which if the communication and the trust is there, Sure.

Yeah.

Okay.

But it's, I mean, it's just going to be complicated, because you're talking about human beings, or humans and pets, humans and objects.

You know?

But yeah, we're trying to work with educators to put all this stuff together in a central location and make sure at least the basics are free.

So people are doing things as safely as they can in more healthy ways.

And they feel like that if they do have questions, there is somewhere they can go to get them answered.

Yeah, because often you have to have such a really strong desire to know, to sift through the bullshit and the useful pieces of information that are available.

And wouldn't it be...

Well, one could argue either way for this.

It would be nice if more people had access to stumble upon or easily find clear, good information on how to do these things.

But then that opens up the floodgates for just anybody to come in and be like, I'm this now.

Yeah.

Which...

There's always going to be those people, though.

With any community or group, there's always going to be those people.

But I would much rather have the risk of like, yep, everybody knows, but everybody fucking knows.

Yeah.

And the information isn't being gate-capped.

Yeah, because the people that are going to be using, taking advantage of other people, are going to seek out and have that information first, usually.

They're going to know how to track down that information.

Maybe not overtly...

The people who are seeking to hurt others are seeking out the information, the educational information.

They at least know how to talk the talk.

So they sound...

Oh, like people who, like, appropriate therapy talks, and then are like, I'm definitely not gaslighting you, or manipulating you, or abusing you.

This is just your triggers, babe.

Mm-hmm.

But to have everybody, or more people, have better access to all the information.

Also, like, a lot of...

The foundation of the knowledge that we're trying to, you know, curate is about vetting people, how to...

Because I think that's the most important part, because if you know how to vet someone, and you can pick the...

the genuines from the people who are just fucking around, that's your greatest tool, I feel like.

Everything else you can figure out there with your...

you know, afterwards with your partner or the people.

But to find the right person, that is a really key piece of information.

And to know what is and is not acceptable.

Because there are several things that I think people who are new and don't really know what they're doing, but they're looking into it, that are not really sure if they're like, was I supposed to be iked out and felt unsafe about that?

I'm not sure.

Maybe that is okay.

I don't know.

Because I've never done any of this before, so how am I supposed to know?

Yeah.

But those that are authentically seeking to be happy and healthy and be able to identify when challenges are normal or when they are abuse, you know, somebody taking advantage and harming you.

I had a conversation with Wynn about this, of like, you know, kink becoming mainstream, and everybody is just doing whatever the fuck they want, and being a certain way, and how they didn't want it to become mainstream like that.

I'm like, I totally get it, but like, I will not stop making information available, and like spreading that information, and shouting about it, because if more people have the tools to find out what shit is fucked up in a bad way, like, yes, people are going to appropriate that language, and also learn it for their own manipulation tactics, but the other people are also going to know when that's fucking happening.

They're going to have the tools to find that out, too.

So ideally, yes, everybody finds out, but you have the tools to sift between who's finding out for what reasons.

Yeah, by keeping it in the shadows, you allow people like unsavory characters to dominate communities, those that maybe didn't earn their place in the community.

Whereas if it's open and there's a lot more communication, people can identify problem areas and communities and activities.

And know that they don't have to fucking put up with that.

And that's not something that people should be putting up with.

And the people that are, I don't know, that doesn't necessarily mean that they're like an accomplice to it or like letting it happen or helping it happen.

We actually talked a bit about schedule.

Rituals, we talked a bit about that.

We have plenty of rituals.

I have a morning ritual.

I have a nighttime ritual.

I have rituals in the scenes that we do.

Rituals that sometimes happen, not necessarily at a specific time, but when it is caught for, it is.

But most of the time, it is like they center around a type of self-care and centering myself and like, I guess like the soft animal within me, and aligning with taking care of myself.

Because I must be ready for Sir to play and to be the best play thing that I can be.

And if I'm not taking care of myself, if I'm not eating, brushing my teeth, washing my face, getting good sleep and eating, yeah, drinking water.

That's the one that I miss, that I always miss, huh?

It allows you to keep track of that kind of thing.

It helps center me in my body and what I need at the beginning of the day to make sure I take my medication.

Yeah, I'd say probably the medication ritual and the piss-pet ritual is the most important ones, which I will explain why.

The morning ritual where I take my medication, I mean, medications are easy to forget, so it helps me to make sure that I took it and I have evidence for you that I did take it and you can know that it happened.

For the piss-pet ritual, it's something I do once a day.

It usually happens at the end of the day because that's when I run out of time to do the tasks that I need to do.

But it also gives you a good idea of the trajectory of my hydration.

Yeah, because the face that you make...

When I have to have a sip of my own piss, it really lets me know if I need to drink more water.

Exactly.

So it's a perverse little hot little way to gauge how well you're at least taking care of your hydration.

It's certainly not because I really enjoy the taste.

And it is because the humiliation of it is just delicious to me.

That's what tastes good.

Yeah, the humiliation tastes good.

And so does knowing that I and someone else is looking out for my well-being, my basic needs.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Who would have thought that Maslow's hierarchy of needs included piss?

Yeah, certainly.

Liquids is a must.

It's like the basic need, I think, on Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Piss, water.

Piss, water, hot, chip.

And beating.

Or fists and fisting.

We haven't quite got to fisting, but.

We haven't achieved that type of self-actualization.

That's the top of Mousel's hierarchy of needs.

Fisting's at the top.

So, Connection Podcasts.

Those are the last two.

We talked a bit about the podcast, but I did have something that came up recently.

And at first, I think I definitely had a...

I did have a kind of a codependent response at first, but then I processed it.

I talked with my friend, Freddie, about it some, and they helped me sort through what I was experiencing.

So, I had this week where I had a very sad belly recently.

And it was the implications of...

So, we're starting to discuss this idea of doing educational kink porn type stuff.

And then one morning, an ex-dom of yours or a play partner that you're not really super active with much these days, they texted you, and it upsets you.

And your response was that you felt like all these cis guys trying to control you or wanting to have a hand in controlling your sexual expression or your sexual gratification was...

Or sexuality, period.

Yeah, it was upsetting to you.

And so that like had, I kind of spiraled with that.

I was like, the implications, like doing the podcast and the age gap and stuff, like, I got like really bummed out.

And I'm like, I got, I mean, something awful.

I was, I was like...

Because I understand, like, there's some depth to where that came from, like, you've been upset about that, and those are the kinds of things, like, you and I will work through things that you want to work on, like, stuff that's not super intricate, like challenging things in your life.

But that is not something that's, that's not the territory, like, I'm not your therapist, like, we do some therapeutic, therapeutic stuff, but nothing on that level, and that's, that's your kind of thing to sort through.

But it's like, I don't want to contribute to...

Like, loading that feeling.

Yeah, yeah, and like, I was just like, like, I will always want to be, I want this to always be a positive thing.

If it's ever taxing or emotionally harmful, I, and especially we need to talk more about this in doing the, you know, something like the more graphic content, that's like a whole other level that you're not my employee in doing that.

You are an independent contractor.

You are an independent agent.

And I shouldn't have control over that, you know.

I mean, it's one thing for me to be your dom or master or something, for us to have a dynamic, but in the grand scheme of things, I don't want to have control or contribute in any measurable negative way to those complex things.

Yeah.

We play with some very real, very heavy stuff, and it's very important that we're constantly communicating.

And sometimes we can go down rabbit holes on our own, and sometimes there's shit that you need to sort out before you bring it back and discuss it.

But it made me realize that if it ever gets questionable and if I'm ever contributing and harming you in any way, I won't hesitate to shut it down, because I do care about you, and I consider you a friend, and after all of a sudden it was a very grounding moment, and I just realized that there are ethical concerns in what we do.

Very precarious position to be in.

It's important to not be in denial of those risks, and I don't want to ever take advantage of my position as someone who's older and more experienced, or as your dom that would cause any lasting harm.

I mean, bruises, you know.

I'll hurt your body all day, and I'll enjoy doing it, you know.

But that heals.

Don't fuck up my psyche.

Unless it's like in a fun way, or maybe a little.

Yeah.

I mean, like earlier today...

We like the mindfuckery.

Yeah.

You know, you were crying.

I was crying.

I was feeling ways, I was feeling a little bit scared, but I wasn't necessarily not trusting you or afraid of you or like regretting the situation, nor did I feel coerced.

I like, I wanted to do the things, and the things were really hard to do.

But I was pleased to have gone through the situation.

And maybe on None on a Day when my head is less in the gutter, like...

You can be even more mean in that situation, but I don't think like...

Yeah.

What we did today was enough.

Yeah, we didn't do our fall scene today because you haven't been taking your meds for the last week and a half, two weeks?

Uh, about three weeks for one of them, maybe like two to one, two weeks for the other.

And at a point, I just stopped nagging him about it, like, there's no point.

I don't want to make him feel bad about it.

But yeah, you hadn't been taking your meds, and it was catching up with you.

I mean, it's one thing, at a certain point, you get all cuddly, and you're like, I need you to come over and fuck me more.

I need you to come over and beat me more.

But then, like, then it catches up with you.

And you're like, I...

I handle pressure way worse.

Like, things that I can, you know, get through without crying or feeling like overthinking something, like, I can't do that.

I'm overthinking everything.

I'm hating on myself big time.

Everything is a lot more stressful.

And, yeah, it's not fun.

And I never remember how awful it is until, like, I finally skidded into a wall.

Like, going off the medication is like, all right, let's see how long until I hit a wall.

And I'm just freefalling for a second until I smack pavement.

And sometimes the freefalling is like, I don't understand why I was upset about this.

This is fine.

I'm OK.

Maybe I'm a little bit different.

So we need to work out a better reinforcement system so he's not going off his meds as frequently, because especially as we dabble, as he's sinking his teeth into things that he is very fucking excited to do that require more focused energy, he's not going to want to be trailed like this.

And it's not good for decision making capabilities.

It's irresponsible of me to put myself in a situation where I'm making decisions like that about the play that I'm going to engage in.

And being visible to other people like that is destructive.

That's not safe.

I can't just be allowing myself to go off meds for an extended period of time.

And even that I'm willing to partake in with you is even limited.

There's been times early on in our...

as we were sorting things out, figuring out what we wanted to do, where I was like, I want you to be on your meds before we proceed.

You know, just because by then, you helped me understand how challenging it could be for you.

And even though we'd only been talking for a couple months, I knew enough to know that I should wait until he's back on his meds.

Yeah.

It's not even like anything super severe, but you just need to be level, clear headed, in making these kinds of decisions.

And it's kind of a foundation of consent now.

And it's very, very important, especially when you're building or maintaining things or making significant changes in your pursuit of play and partners and jobs.

I had had something to say when you were talking about my internal battle with not wanting my sexuality to be owned by or many cis men.

And I started to hear, I don't know, somebody's voice in my head who was like, well, then why are you playing with cis men?

So that's the whole thing, isn't it?

Your power exchanging with cis men.

And I'm like, yeah, you're so right.

It's such a betrayal to myself.

But then I'm like, no.

I, what it feels, relationships with cis men feel unsafe.

And I know a truth is that they aren't all unsafe.

And to put myself in a situation with someone with a good head as good a head on their shoulders as you have, with the awareness and understanding of the power that you're holding, and what that means is healing and fun.

Yeah, it's fun.

I don't need a reason, literally eat my ass.

And also, I was hearing in my head, why wouldn't it be healing to play with people who are like you, and who are trans, or women, or agender, afab people, what the fuck ever, people who are not cis men, asterisk.

Well, because, I don't know, this feels the most unsafe.

This feels like, that's just how I'm going about it, I guess.

People just do things differently.

I have a bunch of interest in playing with other people, but this has been like what is familiar, and what the brainwashed person inside of me wants so desperately the approval from.

And so it feels good, and, you know, teaches, you know, allows me to be like, and this is the situation only in which I fucking care.

Because in any other situation, you can take your fucking opinion and shove it up your butt.

Actually, you can't, because maybe that feels good.

And I don't wish pleasure upon you.

But yeah, I don't know.

So that's kind of a conversation that I'm curious, like with other people.

It's something to explore for sure and figure out.

I mean, there's.

There's a type, there's a tendency, there's a flavor to it.

Yeah.

And you have other kinds of interests, interests in other kinds of people.

And the kinds of connections you're going to have with those people aren't necessarily going to look like the kind of dynamic you might have with a cis guy.

But it doesn't mean they're any better or worse.

Like they're just a different type of connection.

Yeah, absolutely.

That fits with your priorities in certain ways, you know?

I've had vanilla friends ask me, when they're asking more into my kink life, like, who are you seeking out?

Are you seeking out the same type of people?

Are you seeking out specific play?

Like, how are you finding?

Who are you speaking to and why?

I'm like, well, the stuff that I'm...

My general thing that I'm looking for is a power exchange.

And what comes after that is, like, we make a Venn diagram of what we both want to do, and all the stuff that overlaps is the fair game in what we might want to do.

But yeah, that play looks different from everybody that I play with, because everyone's fucking different.

Nobody wants to do the exact same thing the exact same way.

So no, I probably wouldn't have this kind of dynamic with someone else.

I mean, I could have something similar, but it would never be the same.

Also, you seek out cool and interesting people, you know, and tend to be pretty unique.

I'm kind of an anomaly.

Yeah, a little bit.

But yeah, and those questions you're bringing up, those things take a little while for you to figure out.

I'm just starting to ask the questions.

Why would I have a fucking answer to them?

Yeah, but yeah, if we film the next quarterly review, dynamic review, we'll have to check in with you and see what kind of answers you come up with since then.

If I have.

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