Kink House – The Therapy in Kink
Todd and Clay discuss the very real therapeutic aspects of kink when approached in a safe and healthy way. Kink as Harm reduction? It is definitely a topic we plan to explore with future guests who have a greater understanding of Mental Health and BDSM.
Todd
“What do you think about the idea of kink as harm reduction?
Clay
Maybe this connects to kink is harm reduction, but kink as like, therapeutic. And, like a way to work through trauma. And so I wonder, like one of the first things that comes to mind for me is like, like an act. Like if you have a tendency to like, you know, self-harm, like one of the things that you can, if you're also kinky or whatever... Maybe one of the things that you can do to like: Reduce the self-harm is like to participate in kink in some way.
And maybe that doesn't have to necessarily be like instead of cutting yourself or hurting yourself. Like you have someone else hit you about. That's not what I'm talking about. But maybe it's like kink in some sort of like explicit, tender, like caring procedural way that like, gives you a space to feel the pain that you're feeling when you want to participate in self-harm.
And instead have a different container to be with yourself and another person. That makes you feel more connected to that that part of yourself. Like whether that's your young self that is hurting or like, like any, any part of yourself that's hurting. To connect to that part of yourself and give them a space to be in pain in a way that does not actually contribute to their own harm. Harming themselves.
I think it's also like really deep, at least for me. It feels like a lot of the hurting part of myself is deeply connected to my kinky self. And I think it can also be pretty difficult to find a kinky play partner or partner in general that like, wants to engage with you on that really tender non-explicitly sexual side of things. And that can be..
I don't know, I see that a lot on the internet and stuff and like. You know, the cool, queer, kinky people that I follow are engaging in that sort of thing and that seems fucking amazing and highly desirable by many people I know. And yet it can be difficult to find partners that want to also engage with you on that side of your vulnerability. Yeah. That's tough.
Todd
Outside of kink, unless you just stumble upon a person who connects with you perfectly, I don't see how you can be able to create that perfect scene where you feel cared for, and all these different levels of yourself are satisfied.
Clay
Satisfy your Maslow's hierarchy of needs all in one sitting.
Todd
Yeah, I don't. I don't see how it's possible outside of kink. And it's like, there's this shorthand in kink, you know, you spend ideally a couple of hours, but you know, it could be 20, 30 minutes to you lay it all out and
Clay
If you’re fantastic communicators.
Todd
And, you know, this is what I would like to achieve. And, if you trust in their NO, and your own, you create a space of healing. Even if they're beating the shit out of you.
Clay
Yeah. I would say like sometimes the like getting the shit beat out of me IS that vulnerable healing space that I need to, like be witnessed having a bad time.
And like, people are like allowing it to happen or like giving me the care. Like, I think about all of the, like, rough, shitty, bad times that I had as the, the youngest in on both sides of my families with like rough older boy cousins who were like, just like it feels like it was I was just like being pushed around and manhandled and like my NO’s were never ever, like, taken seriously, ever.
And, and so sometimes in kink, I feel like in some ways it feels like I try to recreate a situation where, like my autonomy is taken away. And, but re-experience a situation like that that ends better.
Alia
In a much more controlled environment. Yeah, Yeah, absolutely. You have control over the situation. Yeah. Where, in the past you did not.
Clay
No, no, no. And I know that, like, if I were to really signal, like, okay, this is a real no, please, actually, let's stop right now. I know I would absolutely be listening to. And, when I was upset about the things that happened to me as a kid, when people ignored my, like, you know, crying and dissent was, you know, “Get over it, be more resilient. We're all just trying to have fun. And, you make it difficult for us to have fun.”
And, I don't know. That has been a narrative that has been fed to me that like, I just got to be docile and, like, resilient and, like, cool and allow people to, like, do this shitty things that they need to do because they're trying to enjoy themselves and I'm preventing them from enjoying themselves.
I don't know. So kind of like flipping the script and being like, this is unenjoyable, but it's like meant to be enjoyable? Kind of. And I also get like tons of rewards and praise for it. Also in a way of like, harm reduction. Sometimes I do need the shit beat out of me and that's the harm reduction. I don't know, like what harm would happen if I didn't get the shit out of me? I think I would just be a meaner person.”
